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REJECTION.DISAPPOINTMENT.FAILURE

27 Sep

The three words above are what I actually hate the most!

I know I’m just an ordinary teen with no potentials at all and has nothing to boast to the society.I’m just a thick-faced woman who can never accept rejection and criticisms (unless if they are for my sake).

I grew up under the guidance of my father and mother who are both perfectionists.

Okay,I’ll give a brief background of my parents’ personality.

My mom’s a government employee.She’s pretty and is admired by her friends, colleagues, sisters and even my classmates. So what would they expect?A pretty daughter,right?I know I am not pretty ( and I am not joking and I’m serious about it).She wants me to wear this and that,use this and that, and act like this and that.She wants me to be like her I think.But anyway, she’s always been proud of me ever since because I’ve been doing good in school and everything.

My father’s a professor–an excellent professor….And he’s smart…Really smart,actually.He’s got high expectations for me.He wants me to become a lawyer which at first was actually not my dream.Since I go to a university where he is also working,his eyes are always on my grades.I should not fail. Upon my graduation on 2014,he said that he wants to come up on stage.He wants me to become a Cumlaude at least.I feel so pressured.

So that’s it. I must say that I’ve got decent and perfect parents.I may feel pressured sometimes but I’m strong and I know I can handle all of those things.

It’s already in my nature to find for perfection.Though sometimes I say “Just leave it like that”, “That’s enough”, “All’s been done”, or “Let’s stop here”, I still look for perfection.

I want everything to be organized (except for my room of course ‘coz I’m actually lazy in cleaning it).I want everything to be followed according to what has been laid out.I want flawlessness in everything I do.I can’t sleep at night when I know there’s something wrong.

So,let’s start with Rejection.

I hate it when I’m being rejected.Why?Because I feel so useless.I feel like I don’t exist.I feel like I’m worthless.I know these are not the words that is actually from a person like me,but these are what I actually feel.

An example was when my kouhais,classmates,some seniors and I were doing projects for an exhibit.They were looking for someone to draw.Drawing is something where I’m strong at,though not that good at it.I offered my help since they’re having a hard time.I was ignored.A few minutes later,they’ve been worrying about the drawings that were to be drawn.They kept on finding someone who can illustrate.Again,I offered my help.My kouhai just looked at me and ignored me again.I felt so worthless.Here I am offering my help and yet I was ignored.I mean,it was a big slap for me also.I was a champion for a manga competition and all I want is to help my kouhais. I tend to develop a low self-esteem every time I’m being rejected.I feel like no one’s trusting me for what I can do and no one relies on me.I feel offended every time this happens to me.

Next is Disappointment. I do everything at my very best.I exert all of my efforts in everything I do.What I hate is that the end results of my endeavors are all lame.All of my efforts will be wasted,right???Who wants that kind of a mess?!

Here’s an example. Appointments and plans were made to be accomplished by a group.Some members were even fired up to do this and that.Then in the end,all I got were all useless reasons like they’re busy or they don’t have much time.I gave them considerations.All of the planned activities were moved.They kept on saying “Let’s do these”, “This is good.Let’s do this” and yet nothing’s been done!!!!!!!I got freaking replies and then my efforts were just like thrown away??!!!I don’t even want to spend my precious time on people who are imprudent!!!!!!!

Last one is Failure.I look for perfection in everything I do,so I want every thing without faults. It is already understandable,right?Actually whenever I experience failures,I am not like every one who sees these as lessons.Well,I am like that but only occasionally.I look at failures as the reasons for my downfall instead.I easily get discouraged.

A perfect example for this is an exam I took 2 weeks ago for a major subject.I studied for it.I did my best.I was hoping for a high grade.But in the end,I failed.It was such a heart-breaking happening to me.I felt like I was so dumb.

Why am I writing this kind of post anyway?

These past few days,I’ve been feeling bad due to several reasons–may it be rejection,disappointment and failure.I deal with these feelings everyday.I hate it.

I was raised by people who are perfectionist.I’m okay with it actually and I am happy to inherit some of their attitudes.

But being like this maybe is just a mistake and is a big problem to my personality and can effect people who are around me.But this me,right???

But I’ll continue being like this.Yes,I will.

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Top 5?

18 Aug

Hey,guys!

Just wanna blog about my recent disappointment (not really disappointment,but something that made me doubt myself).

We were having a class on one of our majors, when a senpai who graduated last year entered our class to promote his organization.

The organization he promoted is something that were formed by the Law students of our university and they now wanted to expand that’s why they are to recruit members to attend a seminar. They chose to recruit pre-law courses students (I’m talking about the AB Political Science course).

All of us were fascinated about the ‘seminar’ he was talking about. Of course, I was also interested.It’s for the pre-law course students after all!!!

The seminar is to take place on the 25th and it’s in a prestigious hotel with free registration,food and accommodation. Such a classy opportunity,right?

I certainly was determined to join the seminar.

But this senpai suddenly mentioned about ‘slots’.Apparently, there are only 5 slots available for the Juniors.

Seriously?Only 5 slots??!!!

The senpai also mentioned about the 5 slots that as much as possible will only be allotted to the Top 5 students of the class.I felt like my 100% determination diminished into 60%.

It’s not that I am not confident that I am in the Top 5. It’s just that ever since grade school to high school,I was underrated. I was an honor student from nursery to the 3rd grade. But I didn’t made it to the top after that.

I am now in college so I decided to change my ways. I became more responsible and my efforts rewarded me since I got high grades but I can’t say that I am one of the best in class.

Some classmates assured me that I belong to the Top 5, but that thought just won’t sink in to me. I don’t know why.

So,I felt discriminated about the seminar and the ‘Top 5’ thingy. I also felt sad for my classmates.

I got bad vibes and told myself that that seminar is just nothing but a discriminatory forum.

After that, I was already displaying my bad attitude. My classmates can’t help but got scared of me. I was really scary anyway.I am not mad because I may be have no chance of getting a slot.I am mad because of this ‘Top 5’ requirement.

The senpai left the class.

The professor,getting back to the lecture, asked us, “So,class. Who wants to join?”

Without any second thoughts I told him, ” Sir,unsa man na oi. What’s with the TOP 5 requirement?Murag discrimination gud ang akong makita.Tanan man gusto mag-apil.” (Translation: Sir, what’s with this?What’s with the TOP 5 requirement?It seems like a discrimination for me.Everybody wants to join.”

He just looked at me.After a few minutes, he suggested that we should have ‘draw lots’ to determine the 5-slot occupants. In that way, everything will be fair.

I agreed.All of us agreed.But in my mind, I don’t care already if I am not chosen.I was in a bad mood already.

We finished the class first. After the dismissal bell, our classmates decided to draw the lots.

4 slots were then occupied by four of my classmates who were chosen because their names got picked.
At last, there’s only one slot left. I wasn’t even hoping of getting in.

But in the end, I got the last slot. They had picked my name.

“Hey,it’s you!It’s you!You got the last slot!”, a classmate, who was also picked,told me.

From the bad mood I had earlier, my face lightened up and I began to feel better.

I thought that maybe the seminar really was for me. Because if not, the last slot should been have given to the others, but luckily,they picked my name.

There’s still a week before the seminar but I am so excited now!

But the doubt of being an achiever still dwells in my mind.Am I really intelligent?Am I really smart?What future will a person like me have?

I don’t know what to think anymore.

Recording- A Failure!

7 Apr

After ATHENAZ’s 1st project,which was the SHOCK! dance cover,we were tasked to submit 2 demo songs to H!PPH to review our voices.

~.~

After our practice!

I know I am not a singer,but I tried my best y’know!Hahaha!

(-̮̮̃•)۶

How’s this,I am Suzuki Airi,C-ute’s lead vocalist!

The pressure’s on me!!! ► ◄

My 4 co-members are amazing singers!What’s so great is the fact that they can match or they sound like the 4 C-ute members!

So, I am the only one who is different from the others! (╥﹏╥)

I was a member of a choir when I was in elementary but it didn’t last for a long time.I had to quit because I needed to focus on my studies.

I can sing but not that type of singing which can impress people.It’s just normal!Hahaha!!!

We decided to do covers of two C-ute songs.

We practiced almost everyday during break time!My friends gave me advices on how to do this and how to do that.I am so happy because they are so supportive! ♡♡♡♡♡♡

With the help of our classmate,we were able to find a recording studio here in our city.

The payment is expensive and the studio’s environment is not the same as to what I had expected!

We were so disappointed.

Why?

There were only three mics. What we did was they gave me one mic,another mic for the 2 members and the last mic to the other two members.

My mic had a problem.It has a blurry effect or something like that!

There were weird noises!The engineer said that he’ll just clean the audio to remove the unwanted noises.

The engineer is not that friendly!He’s so intimidating!!!!!!

The payment is 400php.We thought it’s only 180php!

He’s a bit arrogant!

Those factors above affected me!I was:

pressured

conscious

nervous

intimidated

not able to release my real voice.I used throating instead of using the voice from my diaphragm

In the end,while listening to the recorded audio,I cried.My co-members and our managers comforted me.They told me that my voice was okay and they can understand because that was the first time we were able to experience a real recording!


The day after that,our classmate got the edited songs.

The hell!!!They’re not good!!!!They were not fixed and cleaned by the engineer!!

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

400php!Such a precious money!It was wasted for real! m(><)m

Right now,we are planning to do something that can help us with our song covers!!

Hohohoho!!!

Wait for them,minna!!

。◕‿◕。