27 Sep

The three words above are what I actually hate the most!

I know I’m just an ordinary teen with no potentials at all and has nothing to boast to the society.I’m just a thick-faced woman who can never accept rejection and criticisms (unless if they are for my sake).

I grew up under the guidance of my father and mother who are both perfectionists.

Okay,I’ll give a brief background of my parents’ personality.

My mom’s a government employee.She’s pretty and is admired by her friends, colleagues, sisters and even my classmates. So what would they expect?A pretty daughter,right?I know I am not pretty ( and I am not joking and I’m serious about it).She wants me to wear this and that,use this and that, and act like this and that.She wants me to be like her I think.But anyway, she’s always been proud of me ever since because I’ve been doing good in school and everything.

My father’s a professor–an excellent professor….And he’s smart…Really smart,actually.He’s got high expectations for me.He wants me to become a lawyer which at first was actually not my dream.Since I go to a university where he is also working,his eyes are always on my grades.I should not fail. Upon my graduation on 2014,he said that he wants to come up on stage.He wants me to become a Cumlaude at least.I feel so pressured.

So that’s it. I must say that I’ve got decent and perfect parents.I may feel pressured sometimes but I’m strong and I know I can handle all of those things.

It’s already in my nature to find for perfection.Though sometimes I say “Just leave it like that”, “That’s enough”, “All’s been done”, or “Let’s stop here”, I still look for perfection.

I want everything to be organized (except for my room of course ‘coz I’m actually lazy in cleaning it).I want everything to be followed according to what has been laid out.I want flawlessness in everything I do.I can’t sleep at night when I know there’s something wrong.

So,let’s start with Rejection.

I hate it when I’m being rejected.Why?Because I feel so useless.I feel like I don’t exist.I feel like I’m worthless.I know these are not the words that is actually from a person like me,but these are what I actually feel.

An example was when my kouhais,classmates,some seniors and I were doing projects for an exhibit.They were looking for someone to draw.Drawing is something where I’m strong at,though not that good at it.I offered my help since they’re having a hard time.I was ignored.A few minutes later,they’ve been worrying about the drawings that were to be drawn.They kept on finding someone who can illustrate.Again,I offered my help.My kouhai just looked at me and ignored me again.I felt so worthless.Here I am offering my help and yet I was ignored.I mean,it was a big slap for me also.I was a champion for a manga competition and all I want is to help my kouhais. I tend to develop a low self-esteem every time I’m being rejected.I feel like no one’s trusting me for what I can do and no one relies on me.I feel offended every time this happens to me.

Next is Disappointment. I do everything at my very best.I exert all of my efforts in everything I do.What I hate is that the end results of my endeavors are all lame.All of my efforts will be wasted,right???Who wants that kind of a mess?!

Here’s an example. Appointments and plans were made to be accomplished by a group.Some members were even fired up to do this and that.Then in the end,all I got were all useless reasons like they’re busy or they don’t have much time.I gave them considerations.All of the planned activities were moved.They kept on saying “Let’s do these”, “This is good.Let’s do this” and yet nothing’s been done!!!!!!!I got freaking replies and then my efforts were just like thrown away??!!!I don’t even want to spend my precious time on people who are imprudent!!!!!!!

Last one is Failure.I look for perfection in everything I do,so I want every thing without faults. It is already understandable,right?Actually whenever I experience failures,I am not like every one who sees these as lessons.Well,I am like that but only occasionally.I look at failures as the reasons for my downfall instead.I easily get discouraged.

A perfect example for this is an exam I took 2 weeks ago for a major subject.I studied for it.I did my best.I was hoping for a high grade.But in the end,I failed.It was such a heart-breaking happening to me.I felt like I was so dumb.

Why am I writing this kind of post anyway?

These past few days,I’ve been feeling bad due to several reasons–may it be rejection,disappointment and failure.I deal with these feelings everyday.I hate it.

I was raised by people who are perfectionist.I’m okay with it actually and I am happy to inherit some of their attitudes.

But being like this maybe is just a mistake and is a big problem to my personality and can effect people who are around me.But this me,right???

But I’ll continue being like this.Yes,I will.


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